I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He better not be in your backpack
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
