She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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