We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
