It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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