Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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