Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
