Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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