My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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