sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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