Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I need to align my fucking chakras
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
