There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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