i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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