I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize