Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
