Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
