He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
