Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
