This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
pray to the hookup gods
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
