Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize