Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
