I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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