Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize