It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
