Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
