hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
