his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize