I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
