Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
