Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
