I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
