So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
