You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
