I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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