i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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