dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
