My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
