if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
whose parrot is this?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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