I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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