The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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