My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
