if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
