how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
