I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
