I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
