Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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