My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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