Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
