She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
