Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
