This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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