Your dad touched me again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
