grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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