i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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