At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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