He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Randomize
