Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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