The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize