Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
