I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize