life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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