I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
