You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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