Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
