I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
