I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
