I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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